Attila lets loose

Ah, nothing like a bit of humorous invective on a Friday arvo. Just found this on Attila the Stockbroker's discussion group. Seriously: go pay Attila a visit, you won't be disappointed. The following was his answer when some people solicited his contribution to a book discussing "the relationship between Britain and Europe". Too priceless not to reproduce here in full.

Incidentally, if you replace "UK" with "Australia" and "Europe" with "the Asia-Pacific", you pretty much have my opinion on Australia. For what it's worth. But here we go, ladies and gentlemen, Attila the Stockbroker:

"I was asked to give my thoughts on the UK's relationship with Europe - simple. Always been astonished how the question arises. It's like asking me about my relationship with my arm.

There are five continents. Asia, America, Australia, Africa and Europe. The UK isn't in any of the other four, is it, UKIP boneheads? Is it, Daily Mail, Express, Mail, Sun readers? Did you do geography at school? Inger-land, Blighty, Old Albion, whatever, depending on your social background and chosen form of address (and England is the only bit you actually care about, isn't it?) is in YUR-OP. Indisputably, implacably.

It is. There's nothing you can do about it. The only kind of relationship it has with Europe is the kind you have with that lager-filled beer gut of yours, or your gout, or the nasty disease you caught from your butler. It's part of it, as they are part of you. You might not like it...but it is!!

That's right. When your single functioning braincell is finally switched on, you will realise that this country is as much part of Europe as France, Liechtenstein or any other of those strange places where the inhabitants speak in a way which you monolingual morons don't understand! We are European. Like every other country in Europe. One among many. Not special. Got it? The only way we are special is that we're the only country in Europe where 90% of the population can't speak a foreign language....

As for the EU: I am for a European Union of the people. I am against a Europe dominated by slimy pinstriped capitalist scum. But then, I'm against a world dominated by slimy capitalist scum, and it most certainly is right now. So, in the same way that the UK isn't a special case in Europe, Europe isn't a special case in the world.

On that basis I LOVE the EU and ADORE the Euro. Because they wind up xenophobic, barathea blazer wearing, chip guzzling, knotted handkerchief brandishing, 'isn't it hot?' complaining IDIOTS! Ban the pound! Abolish the English Channel! Superglue the UK to France, right in the middle of the garlic growing region! NOW!!!!!"